Wishes

Some words leave you with bruises some cut you right to the bone,
you left me with nowhere to go
but
Just between us do you remember me too?
because I try to remember my old self too.

twelve, almost a teen
spears, madonna, and radio machine
made dragons and castles out of the clouds
that time life just felt so serene

Gave you every wish from the pluck of my eyelash to every birthday candle on which I blew.

But you still never came home

and left me to grow up without you

Thirteen, Levi's jeans

All bold and vibrant dreams

I was a naive girl who didn't know
she would grow up to forget hope and find comfort in screams

I sat by the phone every Friday afternoon,
canceled my plans in case you'd call

But you never did.


fourteen, student body president and dancing queen,
I would do just anything to make you see me,
followed every rule and decree,

still wishing to stop being so invisible.

I worked myself to death
and pried open my heart for you
I told you on the phone with wide eyes
how much I learned and how I grew
I try to hide my disappointment
when you say you wouldn't be here today too

one more candle on the cake this year and I've stopped wishing for you at all

No matter how many four-leafed clovers I find
or how many pennies I toss
I finally know now that you were never mine

fifteen, Austen, Hemingway, and blasting queen
I wished for everything in my life to be meticulously planned

and NOTHING unforeseen

They say some words leave you with bruises
some cut you right to the bone,
You came back when I wanted you no more.

That day for the first in my life
I didn't wish for you to stand in front of me
and sing happy birthday.
i finally wished for myself to be happy
and that was when I broke the spell

eighteen, and I've decided I'm finally through
i apologize much less now and hardly cry
I've stopped looking up for a nod
to see if I was doing all right

I no longer wish anymore or leave things to faith
I've snatched the reigns of my horse
and took control of my own parade
they say broken hearts make mad women
to hell with what they say
I am what I am with no one's input
or anything anyone has to say


Some words do leave you with bruises
and some cut you right to the bone
I don't regret growing up the way I did
because the pain taught me
and my dreams led me free
but
just between us,
I wonder sometimes with no thirst for an answer,

just between us did you ever love me too? 

~ Ananya Singhal

27|02|2022